I heard Mick Jagger sing Wild Horses. I think Angie was on the flip side of that or Ruby Tuesday. I used to go to a little neighborhood dive in Old Algiers NOLA with Poor Bill. He told me once, after he came in from offshore, that the song Ruby Tuesday reminded him of me- “Good bye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you, when you change with every new day, still I’m gonna miss you.” It was all about longing. That relationship would never have survived the routine of daily encounters. It used to make me secretly mad that he was leaving all the time to go offshore for months. He just took it for granted that I’d be dutifully present when he returned. I resented the adventure he was having.
He came home and I told him I didn’t really want to live with him any longer. He sat on the couch, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. It scared me. I thought, “Maybe I really do matter.” The memory makes me want to hug him and say “It’s okay we don’t match but we’re gonna grow up and meet people who give our hearts a home.” I really wouldn’t want to do that after all this time. I didn’t behave very well at the end. There were times in the middle that I wasn’t very well behaved either but those were clandestine interludes.
I knew it wouldn’t work after I found the letter in New Orleans, “I think of Lizbet. Oddly enough, I still love elroy.” He was furious when I told him I found that letter and read it. Maybe he was mad because he got caught. It took about 3 years to completely unravel. I didn’t love him as much as I loved the challenge of convincing him to love me. We moved out of the country together. I came back to the states after a while. He didn’t. “With no lovin in our souls and no money in our coats you can’t say we’re satisfied.”