Reasons to Live

We could adjourn at any moment without notice, regardless of the precautions we may have taken to extend our allotted time here.

At some point in the not so distant past (maybe a year ago, could be two or three, but certainly not five) I developed yet another phobia lite. Every day, when I’m in the shower, I think, “I’d rather not die in the shower, wet and naked. I hope, if I do, I don’t land on the drain and plug it up so there’s water everywhere when my poor husband finds my cold, blue, carcass.”

I hope I make it out of the shower alive. Really, I’d prefer to be dressed if I’m going somewhere. I’d rather not be remembered as old and naked.

It doesn’t stop there; oh no. In the living room I make a silent plea to the universe, “Please, I’d like to live until the new sofa comes so I can see what it looks like.”

I’m pretty sure that this isn’t what they mean when they talk about unfinished business. I’m lying there all hooked up to life support because not one of those incompetents, I hoped I could trust to pull the plug, can find their copy of the damn advance directive.

I am not dying; I am, in fact, hanging on to dear life. The nurse tells my family, “She seems to be waiting for something… .” Do you think any one of them will have the good sense to know it’s the couch? I want to see the damn sofa before I die!

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About elroyjones

Married, no children, responsibly self-directed, living happily.
This entry was posted in Friends & Family and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Reasons to Live

  1. John says:

    That damn sofa better show up quick then! 🙂

  2. gkinnard says:

    There’s something in the air or water: I keep running onto people thinking/writing about death. Honestly, it’s been on my mind as well.

    Don’t you be checking out anytime soon—the world needs you to give perspective! Who knows how the badly the balance of the universe would be affected by the absence of one, elroyjones.

    As a person who has been in on finding bodies before, allow me to address the shower thing. It’s the toilet one should fear: not the shower. Sadly, the toilet seems to be a gateway/portal to the great beyond. It happens again and again. My advice is to keep talking/singing/yelling while using the facilities as a way of scaring away death—kinda like yelling “go away bears, go a-w-a-y!” while walking through the woods. Make sense?

    • elroyjones says:

      Yes, singing on the toilet, it’s a plan. It will fit in nicely with my overall plan for getting old and the sort of dementia I’d rather have- I’d like a crown and a magic wand and a very happy delusion.

      I do know about the unfortunate toilet/death connection. I’m not gonna be very pleased if that’s the way I go. I think I’ll sing, “When the sun hits the sky like a big pizza pie…”.

      • Peggy says:

        I just hope that if I should have an “incident” while on the toilet, I have the wherewithal to flush before I expire. There was once a gentleman who liked to drink. He was in the tub one night, after having consumed a bit of bubbly. He slipped and fell onto the toilet plunger which killed him. He left his big house on the coast of Maine to an Irish barmaid he had befriended (he was living in Mexico). Unfortunately, his children didn’t look kindly on that. Note to self: move the plunger away from the tub.

  3. The shower is the most common place for home accidents… but that is because people insist on doing dirty things in the shower, that’s what I think. But I do agree it is a bad place to die… it would add extra wrinkles…

  4. judithatwood says:

    I love what you say, and I love what your readers say! I understand the phobia lite, although mine are not frequent, thank everything that’s holy. I am going to employ George’s strategy, for sure. Since I have been found unconscious on the floor 4 or 5 times in the summer, when I walk around naked at night, the shower doesn’t worry me as much, although that wouldn’t be my choice. My biggest one is I don’t want to die without saying goodbye to my family, especially sister S.

  5. Pink Ninjabi says:

    LOVE this post! I have the same fear. HAHAH..

    Pink.

    • elroyjones says:

      Pink, it makes me happy to know I am not the only one!

      • Pink Ninjabi says:

        Yes! In fact, a few times, I’ve nearly done this. It doesn’t help years ago, someone said to me, “really, you live alone. What if you slip in the shower and such and such” (that I won’t repeat as it was graphic). Yup. Geez….:D

        Pink.

  6. See what you started?

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