Moving Forward

A political funny I received in my Inbox-

Dear Red States:

We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve 
decided we’re leaving.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we’re taking the other 
Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
 Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the
 Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the 
people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd
Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty.

You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft.

You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.

You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.

You get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian 
Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.

You get a bunch of single 
moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of
the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve
French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high
tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias 
and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans
 and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100%
of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
 Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a
whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty 
or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was 
involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with 
higher morals than we lefties.

We’re taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

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About elroyjones

Married, no children, responsibly self-directed, living happily.
This entry was posted in Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Moving Forward

  1. judithatwood says:

    Hooray!!! Great post!

  2. F*#K YEAH! And we get all the artistic, creative people and the people who care about other people and the planet. And the best food. This will be awesome. No more snake handlers, homophobes, mental midgets, religious fanatics, and please stop me before my head explodes…

  3. George says:

    Ahhh, what a great laugh! Thank you!

  4. Michael Sadowski says:

    Sounds like a plan. Thanx for visiting my blog. I treasure your kind remarks and courtesy…but what I could really use right now is some money. Looking forward to Tuesday though I’m still not sure how to vote. Am I one of the 47% or the 1%? Technically, I’m one of the 99% AND a 47% guy to boot. I voted for Obama in ’08 but that damn Paul Ryan is so fucking handsome…love his Eddie Munster “widow’s peak!” Romney promises 12 million new jobs but I think Hurricane Sandy beat him to it. There’s going to be a lot of work cleaning up the mess and rebuilding. You watch: the corporate thinkers will find a way to OUTSOURCE all that work.

    • elroyjones says:

      Paul Ryan is a good looking guy but beware of the mouth. He has thin lips that have a tendency to turn downward in an unattractive manner.

      Sandy will likely follow the same pattern that Katrina did. Big insurance will whine for federal funding, as they do after every natural disaster. Homeowners and contractors will get shafted while adjusters and insurance providers pocket the loot.

  5. Peggy Stevens says:

    Fabulous and SOOOO true! Given all this, why is all so hard?

  6. Not going to like this one, EJ. The Alabama line hurt. We have NASA here in Huntsville with a greater presence than in Houston. We also have more engineers per capita than any state in the country. We have great beaches. In Montgomery, they have the annual Shakespeare Festival which is considered one of the best in the world. We have a lot of kind people who would give you the shirt off their backs, if you needed it. I hate all this red state/blue state crap. People of all stripes are found everywhere in this nation and we need to find a way to get along and to compromise to get things done. I don’t think this kind of thing helps. However, still love ya and realize what you were going for. All joy today where you are and where I am. Lots of good people in every state. HF

  7. elroyjones says:

    I lived in the south for a long time and I loved it. I thought this was funny and did not intend to offend. I was especially taken with the last line that sort of puts the whole thing in a different context… .

    I live at oxycontin/bath salts central so, trust me, I’m not above anyone.

  8. GiRRL_Earth says:

    O-M-G I loooooooooooooove this! I may even re-blog on my site.
    Signed,
    Your ever loyal lefty liberal. 🙂
    Long Live the ESA! 🙂

  9. GiRRL_Earth says:

    Addendum:

    Hi Elroy, did you see this article? A friend just sent it after I directed him to your blog.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/05/americans-believe-in-creationism_n_1571127.html

    • elroyjones says:

      I hadn’t seen it. It’s interesting to me that people have faith. I don’t believe in god because I have no personal experience that convinces me of the existence of a spiritual CEO. I had a near death out, of body event in which I was clinically dead, for a few minutes, about 20 years ago. My experience left me with the feeling that energy is universal and humans are part of that. It would be reasonable to conclude that my experience reflected my worldly beliefs.
      Faith is a good thing as long as it doesn’t involve exploiting others and feeding on every human’s fear of the unknown/death.

      • GiRRL_Earth says:

        I couldn’t agree more. I believe in a power greater than myself but I am not religious nor do I believe in one all-knowing Omnipotent punishable God.

  10. Love this! So glad I’d be in (Vermont) ! 🙂

  11. Karen says:

    I love the way you think! Don’t forget Maryland!

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