Treading Lightly

“Old age is no place for sissies.”-Bette Davis

I have a clearer understanding of the strength required as one ages. It is a gradual enlightening.

As independent as I am, I have always wanted to be a wife. Not just any wife but my husband’s wife. In the beginning, I told him, “I knew you were out there but I didn’t know if  I’d ever meet you.” I married him because I knew I needed him like I need air to breathe. Obviously, I am capable of practically anything required of me. I’m not helpless. I’m not much for genuflection or deference. I live the life I choose. The magical thing about the integration of me and marriage is the degree that my husband loves who I am. He does not expect me to emulate someone else because he likes me the BEST.

We are facing a challenge of unknowns, alternately hopeful and fearful. We’re waiting for more information. I do not respond well to stress and panic. I am methodical, I choose to focus on only one crisis at a time. When I articulate my limit, it is advisable to listen carefully and respect the boundary. We have never had a polite union. A long time ago, I read somewhere that couples fight for what they are afraid to lose. That’s us.

Yesterday, I went for a walk, alone, to the bank and the post office. I was happy to be out under my own steam. I was aware that my happiness could be only a respite so I made the most of it. Today is a beautiful day. My husband is calling in with work demands and directives, plans for the immediate and distant future that I am opposed to. I am mindful that as much as he loves me the way I am, I love him back the very same way. For this moment I will try not to be reactionary, I will embrace his vision, and I will tread lightly, savoring each step that we walk together.

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About elroyjones

Married, no children, responsibly self-directed, living happily.
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13 Responses to Treading Lightly

  1. I don’t know what you’re going through ej but I send kind thoughts..I love that you knew he was out there but didn’t know if you’d meet him..I feel the same way 🙂 but I think now, that I won’t meet him..and that’s ok, he’s out there.

    • elroyjones says:

      We’re getting older and falling apart, springs and nuts and bolts flying everywhere.
      “but I think now, that I won’t meet him…and that’s ok, he’s out there.” That parses beautifully, Annie, it’s delicate and strong.

  2. Doug says:

    Appropriate quote.

    Snz is 12 years my junior. I figured I’d be pushing up daisies on boot-hill while she still had the stems to sport six-inch heels. Then, three years ago, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was big enough to have already effected her eyesight and had certain designs on the mainframe of her nervous system.

    That slapped me so hard against my thick head, I’m still shaking it off. it was summer, but each day I felt so damn cold. And when one doctor said to go in and cut it out and another said too dangerous to do so, I was ready to go postal on a medical expert or two, or twenty five.

    So it was off to the University of Pittsburg, the pinnacle of pin-point laser procedure, where we were assured that they could retard growth or even shrink the evil bastard. Which they did.

    I write all this to clue the obvious. That even the best laid plans get pissed on. Awaiting information to act on is so damn tough, but once received, often leads to a deeper crisis. And if you need to holler about someone or something…holler at me…I holler back.

    Hold steady.

    • elroyjones says:

      Doug, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yes, I get cold when I’m scared too.
      Snz is beautiful, I think so each time I see her photograph. I’m always tempted to say so then I think it’s maybe too corny so I’m saying it here and now, not only is she smart but she has striking good looks and she knows how to get in and pat the tigers. You got it all.
      One more time, thanks very much.

  3. How can I not say it? Tread lightly but carry — Nope, I won’t. Just get past the unknowns, okay? I love the Bette Davis quote. You’re certainly no sissy. And old? Please.

  4. Well this was just plain sweet…

  5. George says:

    I’m SOOOOO happy for you that you have such an authentic relationship! Sounds like there’s a lot going on in your life as a couple: perhaps some good, perhaps some bad, perhaps something raising anxiety through the roof? I hope that whatever it is the two of you come out on top!

    We’ll be thinking about you two!!!

    • elroyjones says:

      Anxiety through the roof says it all. As YOU know from experience, good health is priceless.
      We are lucky to have a dependable union. My husband makes me angrier than I have ever been but I love him more than air. As my sister says, we are two cantankerous halves of a unified whole!

      • George says:

        I’m sure that somewhere in Einstein’s notes it says that you and your hubby are likely responsible holding some part of the universe together—and the universe needs stability, so hang in there for all our sakes!

      • elroyjones says:

        Just as I’ve suspected all along, not to worry, the universe will not fall apart because I have plenty of CRAZY glue!

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