Nonexistent Plan

I’m not a radical atheist. Everyone believes in something.  The belief that god, or anyone else, has a plan for this existence confounds me. If there is a god then where did it originate? We create our understanding of existence based on our experience and observation. It seems reasonable to believe creation of the world, that I am experiencing, is the convergence of random events resulting in my reality. At this very moment, my reality is separate from yours, and my husband, who is 30 feet from me, is experiencing something completely different than I am.

My grandmother lived to be 99.9. Gram would say she believed in god, if you asked her, but it wasn’t true conviction. Belief was expected of her generation. My gramp was the believer. He did not worship. The night before he stroked out, he took Gram’s hand, while they were lying in bed, and he pointed to the sky and said, “Come with me and we’ll go, Jeannie.” That was the beginning of the end of that. My gramp believed there was a heavenly afterlife waiting for him, a lovely, antiquated, notion designed to dispel hysteria at the end of the self. I question human ability to accept the end of the self.

I’m quite sure there is nothing after this; certainly, nothing that I could identify, myself included. I suspect we are reduced to a cluster of misfiring neurons and dissipating energy, until the end when we just sputter out. I believe we cease to exist as anything more than energy. I had the clinically dead, no pulse, no respirations, near death out of body experience. There are not words to describe the calm. I could see me on the pavement, where my head had slammed against a guardrail abruptly ending my flight from a car crash ejection. My long hair was spread in a disheveled mess all over my face. The out of body me looked objectively at the me on the ground near the guardrail and observed, “It’s a shame to die on a day when you’re so profoundly unhappy.” I woke up in ICU with a vent tube jammed down my throat, quite confused as to why I couldn’t speak or move. I made the late night news and the paper. It must have been a slow news night. I’m not a celebrity, the media exposure was unnecessary. That won’t happen in the future. I have plans because they allow me the illusion of control. As part of my advance directive, the ultimate controlling plan, blabbing is strictly prohibited. I will decide who will be told what and when.

Moral behavior is not intrinsic to the human organism. Right and wrong is an evolutionary survival mechanism. I distinctly recall doing naughty things when I was 5 or 6, things I knew I shouldn’t do, like biting through my nan’s nice lemonade glass and pretending it was an accident. I did it purposely to see if I could. If someone hadn’t taken the time to teach me to conform there’s no telling what sort of sociopath I might have become. I was motivated to be a good little girl because that behavior was rewarded. Most of modern “civilization” frowns upon killing the other humans as an individual independent action. If there is killing to be done, humans will congregate (in juries and armies) and kill as a group. Renegade, vigilante action would not promote continuation of the species.  The desire to live is instinctive, moral values are not. Development of the human mind’s analytical abilities likely led to the creation of moral rules and social structure.

I’m not having a metaphysical crisis, existence over essence, being, thinking, seeking. I do not wish to join a cult or a herd, or even my genetic family most of the time. I most sincerely do not believe in anything greater than my own will. Almost every night, before I fall asleep, I assess my position in the world to determine whether or not it would be okay if it were a permanent sleep, most nights I conclude it would be.

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About elroyjones

Married, no children, responsibly self-directed, living happily.
This entry was posted in Human Condition and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Nonexistent Plan

  1. jatwood4 says:

    Thank you, elroy jones. Thanks for saying it so well.

    • elroyjones says:

      Hi Judith. I wonder how many politicians sincerely believe in a god and how many of them say they do to get votes. Even Obama, he is an intelligent logical person does he truly believe? I suspect organized religion is useful in controlling the masses.

      • jatwood4 says:

        As has been true for millenia! I don’t know about politicians, but my own dad, who never had anything to say about church, completely changed his tune about three years ago. He still doesn’t go near a church, but he inundates me with emails about the glory of god and “His son, Jaysus Christ! Dad used to be a relatively

  2. ellebonze says:

    I hope that I die on a good day.

  3. Retinitis Solaris says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I completely agree with you and have summarized my own thoughts in two posts here:

    http://retinitissolaris.wordpress.com/2013/04/02/life-before-death/

    http://retinitissolaris.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/life-after-death/

    All the best,
    RS.

  4. god called and asked if it would be ok to follow Your blog?

  5. SocietyRed says:

    EJ,
    It’s such a pleasure when I read something that accurately describes my own thoughts on a subject. Then I wonder why the hell I didn’t write it.
    When my father-in-law was dying a few years ago, my brother-in-law (a lovable zealot) took another opportunity to question me about my non-belief. He asked me what I thought happened after we die and wasn’t I concerned about what would happen to my eternal soul. I considered his question. I told him I thought if there was a god and a room full of happiness at the end of life, I should probably be more concerned with living the best life I could rather than dwelling on getting my name on the guest list. Either way, there’s too much going on in the here and now to focus on the maybe later.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog!
    Red

    • elroyjones says:

      Exactly, get the most of what is here now.
      Lots of people have died before us; as yet, I’ve not received any reports of eternal damnation and suffering. We can’t remember where we were before we were born and I can’t think of an explanation for it in Christianity. If there is eternal life, is it really eternal if it doesn’t include the time before we arrived on earth?
      I enjoyed your writing and your perspective.

  6. Pink Ninjabi says:

    Love your post 😀

  7. paralaxvu says:

    A very thoughtful post. One with which I, also an intelligent and (sometimes) logical person disagree. I am, however, not a believer, either. I can only say that neither the believer nor the nonbeliever can really know what happens after death. I also believe morals are important. Perhaps children need to be taught them, but then children also need to be potty-trained and shown how to tie their shoes, among other things. I believe mostly that we are all a huge whole-is-bigger-than-its-parts congregation. I believe in everyone else’s right to believe as they wish, but I also believe morals are an important and integral part of any society/civilization that can exist for any length of time. I like the way you make me think, too.

    • elroyjones says:

      I don’t think we should abandon integrity and ethics at all. It just seems to me that religious morality is often used as a tool to manipulate human behavior in ways that might not be best for the humans. If I were to subscribe to just one maxim it might be “First, do no harm” but I can’t seem to limit myself to just one.

      Interesting that you believe in a whole-is-bigger-than-its-parts-congregation. I like to know what other people believe.

  8. Life is a mystery. Death is a mystery. What lies beyond life and death is a mystery. What is not a mystery is we cannot from empirical evidence know how we got here or where we are headed. We can choose to have faith that there is life after dead and faith in the provider of that life. This gives great comfort to some people and if they choose that comfort, as long as they don’t force their belief on me or use their belief to do harm, I have no quarrel with them. As for me, I will take what comes when it comes and–if it comes. However, I will have no truck with any deity that condemns some of its creation to eternal agony and anoints the rest to eternal happiness. That is not a deity I will follow. My only request is, where ever I go, if I go, I want to have dogs with me. HF

    • elroyjones says:

      My sister insists that there is somewhere to go and she insists that I’ll be going. I intend to send my regrets and carry on the way I always have.
      Very happy to hear from you, HF.

      • Hey, be sweet and just say, you hope she is right. Because, in reality, you do! You might not believe she is right, but, hey, if she is, that’s swell, too. I haven’t given up on space aliens. We may just be an experiment and when they’re through experimenting, we die, and go to their mother ship. Hey, it could be! You don’t know for sure it isn’t!

  9. Man, you make me think now and then.

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