It has come to my attention that there is a tremendous need for rules and regulations in sleep habits. It is my understanding that random bed checks will be made. Kindly familiarize yourselves with the following rules so that we may avoid the unpleasant consequences of non-compliance.
- Do not take more than your allotted half of the bed. There is no such thing as a big half.
- Do not “sandbag” the extra pillows down the middle of the bed in an effort to claim more than your half. Half comes in one size only- 50%. Take more than 50% and your ass is pushed off onto the floor.
- If you are watching television, watch it. One watches with one’s eyes, one cannot possibly see the television if one’s back is facing it. Those who are not watching television but are instead wasting electricity will be subject to demerits.
- Do not make noise if others (portions of the bed will be allotted in direct proportion to the number of occupants- this is a scary thought) are watching television. Snoring, barking, and howling at the moon is strictly prohibited.
- Do not get womboled up in the covers. If you don’t know what womboled is, you can move right along to the next rule.
- Don’t be a messy sleeper. The Regulator frowns on messy sleepers. Sleep in a tidy fashion so that all might remain comfortable.
- Do not roll over on the other half of the bed to hog up the cool spot. People who attempt to take more than their fair share will be shoved off the bed. The Regulator will wait until you are sound asleep, making prohibited noises, and she will put one foot on each of your butt cheeks and push with all her might until your greedy ass is on the floor.
- Do not fall asleep with the remote hidden in the covers. The Regulator loathes the remote weighing down the covers, impeding comfort.
- Do not take more covers than you need. You only need 50%, see #3.
- Do not complain that you’re cold when the window is cracked; buck up!
- If you wake up first and the other occupant(s) do not have their eyes open, assume that they are still sleeping. Do not bellow, in a voice that would wake the dead, “Are you still asleep?” The Regulator believes in capitol punishment and you could find yourself the unfortunate victim of eider down asphyxiation. The world does not revolve around you. The Regulator doesn’t care if you’re ready to be awake while others are sleeping; she has complete disregard for your schedule and perceived importance.
- Please do your best not to drool, and if you must drool, do it on your own pillow.
- No lights. We are sleeping with our eyes closed; it’s supposed to be dark.
- Pee before you go to bed.
- Rules 1-14 apply to guests in guest bedrooms as well. Solitary sleepers, babies and children are exempt. Teenagers are also exempt due to the risk of liability and the potential for sneaking in and out of bedroom windows, going places they’re not supposed to be, with people they’re not supposed to be with. Hotel rooms, in general, and red light districts, specifically, are inspection free zones. There are things the Regulator prefers not to know.
In summary- be a considerate sleeper, always solicitous of the delicate sensitivity of those sleeping on the other half of the bed. The Regulator will make every effort to leave sleepers undisturbed as she tiptoes on her rounds.