I thought of you this morning. When I was as young as you are I had an expectation that life would be perfect, you know, like in the movies. My expectation for perfection extended to the people in my life, particularly in romantic interests. As you’ve discovered life and people are flawed. We are all flawed and perfection is a myth.
I didn’t have kids. I didn’t have them because I didn’t want that responsibility; it was my choice. Children are a lot of responsibility. Everyone isn’t meant to be a parent. It isn’t a character failure. Your lawyer said to the media that you just want to go back to being a mom. It’s something to think of, Kayla. Think about it and be truthful with yourself. Sometimes it’s hardest to be honest with yourself. Nobody but you knows what you’re going through and what you feel.
I was on your fb. I saw the picture of you with Joe; back before addiction got in the way. I remember that you went to all those meetings with your dad, trying to help him get straight. You guys came to see us on Central Street afterward. I saw the tattoo you got (of her kids names after she abandoned them in favor of heroin). I know you miss your kids and I don’t doubt that you love them. To be honest Sweetie, I don’t think you’ll be able to parent them effectively until you get things straight in your head. You look angry and tough, I think that’s a cover for confused and lost. From the outside looking in, it sure looks like you’re suffering. You need to start talking to someone, Kayla. Find someone you can trust and spill your guts.
You are not a bad person. You are a person who is in a bad place but you’ll come out of it. I hope you’re going to AA meetings. If they offer any counseling take advantage of it. I read in the jail handbook that you can get library books; get some, it will take your mind somewhere else while you’re reading, away from your troubles.
Kayla, I know your dad loved you. I remember he was upset when you and Robert broke up because you were hurt. Joe was mad because I told you it wasn’t much of a loss. I didn’t like Robert, didn’t think he was good for you, thought he was lazy and a whole lot less than charming.
There is no perfect life. You must work to make your life perfect for you. Even in jail you can find moments when you feel grateful for something that you have. It could be something as simple as breakfast or clean clothes. When you feel grateful for one small thing each day it makes your life better no matter where you are.
Each day is a fresh start on a happy ending.