Individually Independent

You don’t want to hear this again, I know you don’t. That won’t stop me. For a while I forgot who I was/am. I need new bras and a shower curtain. I spend more time devising ways to keep people out than welcoming them in. Sometimes I want to scream, so I yell instead. I go through long stretches where I do not want to get out of bed at the crack of dawn and do it all again. I contemplate the tactile sensation of steel against pallet. I consider the absorption properties of the Sealy Posturpedic mattress. I don’t have anything to say that will add to the conversation. I am marking time until I die. I have forgotten the meaning of me.

I keep chugging right along like the little engine that could. I   will   not   make   one   disparaging   remark    about those ungrateful, immature, pretentious kids. I will not point out that there is a reason I chose not to procreate. I will say my heart breaks with every disappointment my husband suffers.

I wanted to crawl inside his skin. He magnified my existence. I married him because I wanted him all to myself for the rest of my life, for the rest of his life, forever. I did the right thing. I did not keep him from his children.

I couldn’t love a man who walked away from his kids the way my father forgot us. I couldn’t respect myself for perpetuating confusion and loneliness in a child’s life. If I hadn’t consented to this we wouldn’t have done it. In fact, if I hadn’t orchestrated it, it wouldn’t have happened.

I know who I am. I will remember who I am as an independent individual. It took me five days to cut my hair. My office upstairs is fabulous. I’m going to see Taj Mahal on the 30th. I’ve got it going on.

Photo on 2016-07-01 at 21.52

 

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About elroyjones

Married, no children, responsibly self-directed, living happily.
This entry was posted in Autonomy, Marriage and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Individually Independent

  1. Those kids are lucky you exist I reckon…

    • elroyjones says:

      They’ll remain clueless until they have kids and even then they won’t truly understand until those kids become demanding, selfish, little parasites who never ever want to contribute but are always ready to take. We’ll probably be dead by then. In the meantime, I think we’ll spend their inheritance!

  2. The endless sermon I gave my kids growing up was “This above all: to thine own self be true.” (I always liked the Bard.) Then I tried to show them how to be worth the effort of being true to oneself.

  3. We remember who you are, too… HA!

  4. John says:

    I too am glad to not have procreated …

    And, I love the haircut … really looks good on you.

    Taj Mahal…. now there’s a show. I think The Blues sound better live …. recordings never quite capture the heart and soul.

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